Thursday, December 6, 2012

Birthing Classes

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So last month I signed Brandon and myself up for a couple of birthing classes, and a breast feeding class. Labor and delivery is something I've always been nervous about and I wanted to feel as prepared as possible. I had initially wanted to take the hynobirthing classes - but it was something that we would have needed to start attending and practicing months ago, and I was too busy finishing school. So two five-hour regular classes it was.

The first one was last weekend and was very informative. We went over signs of labor, the different stages, breathing techniques, different positions to try, and watched a couple of videos about the different pain medications available such as the epidural. Towards the end of the 5 hour class, we were practicing different positions that I can try while I’m in the most painful part of my contractions, and all the things that Brandon is supposed to be doing (massaging, etc) while I’m in that position. So basically I’m on my hands and knees and Brandon is on his knees behind me. (There are 15 other couples in the class, and it’s the most awkward position to be in with a room full of strangers.) I start doing my breathing exercises and Brandon is supposed to squeeze my hips together. So at some point I turn my head to say, “you’re supposed to be squeezing” and he whisper-yells back, “I’m squeezing as hard as I can” in an almost Napoleon Dynamite like voice. I seriously lost it. I burst into laughter and it became even funnier because I knew I shouldn’t be laughing. I got myself together pretty quickly, but then the last ten minutes of class was a “relaxation” time...

We laid down in the dark spooning while this CD played that said things like, “I am safe, I am sound. My body is made to do this, yadda yadda” and I was supposed to just breathe while Brandon spooned me from the back. Well suddenly I remembered him hissing, "I’m squeezing as hard as I can" and I start laughing so hard, and so silently, that my body is jerking and he perks up from behind me to see why I’m shaking and demands to know what’s so funny. Well I can’t get any air or breathe. My mouth is gaping open, tears are squirting and I’m heaving and snorting and trying so hard to be quiet, and through my blurry tears I can see the teacher’s head pop up from the ground to identify what noise she is hearing. It looks like I’m sobbing. So I’m trying to bury my face in the pillow and my non-existent abs are killing me and I just heave for minutes. I was so exhausted afterward.

Now I have a phobia to go back to class next week because I’m scared it will happen again. I haven’t laughed that hard in YEARS. It was borderline painful laughter. During our breastfeeding class last night, the teacher started talking about nipples in the first two minutes, and how we should make sure they get some fresh air every day and I started sweating thinking I was going to lose it again.

So basically the moral of the story is that I’m still a child and I have no business having a baby.

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13 comments:

Liz Brown said...

Wow! :) As I read this I started laughing hard enough that my sister poked her head in to see what was so funny. Thank you!!

Brenda Wilkerson said...

I would have cracked up too! I think it's nothing but a GOOD sign that being a mom won't make you lose your sense of humor. :)

Cassie said...

Laughing so hard throughout this whole post!! Love your humor, lady!

Kendall said...

This made me laugh so hard and brought back so many memories of when we took our classes! I even read a few parts out loud to my husband :)

Courtney said...

Haha this is awesome!! I would totally be the one giggling in class too!

Fran said...

Oh man, I was laughing so hard at this! Then my mom asked me what I was laughing at and the thought of explaining this to her was just too much haha

Mish Lovin' Life said...

hahaha...so awesome and I'm sure I would have done the same thing. How was everyone else keeping it together?! Especially with all that nipple breathing talk!!! HA

Britt @ The Magnolia Pair said...

I literally was laughing hysterically at this post! Oh my gosh, why are we so similar? I think Joel and I will be the exact same way at these classes. Umm but getting me there will be an act of congress! AS much as I want to be prepared, I know I'll be on the floor if too much is shown. Ahhh

v.jack said...

i just laughed SO hard! i can't wait to hear about the next class -- hope there's another hilarious story from that experience, too!

Empirically Erin said...

Hahaha I can't even imagine a class like this... I would definitely be laughing so hard. Nipples breathing?? That's a new one.

vickichristine said...

haha! maybe its better you didnt go to hypnobirthing classes. its chock full of sentimental shit like that and tons of nipple and vagina talk! see: perineal massage demonstrations.... ;)

chrystinanoel.com said...

Hahaha - oh this sounds exactly what my life would be like if I was in that situation. I think this is completely acceptable. Keep laughing, things are more fun that way :)

chrystinanoel.com said...

Hahaha - oh this sounds exactly what my life would be like if I was in that situation. I think this is completely acceptable. Keep laughing, things are more fun that way :)

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