Birthing Classes

So last month I signed Brandon and myself up for a couple of birthing classes, and a breast feeding class. Labor and delivery is something I've always been nervous about and I wanted to feel as prepared as possible. I had initially wanted to take the hynobirthing classes - but it was something that we would have needed to start attending and practicing months ago, and I was too busy finishing school. So two five-hour regular classes it was.

The first one was last weekend and was very informative. We went over signs of labor, the different stages, breathing techniques, different positions to try, and watched a couple of videos about the different pain medications available such as the epidural. Towards the end of the 5 hour class, we were practicing different positions that I can try while I’m in the most painful part of my contractions, and all the things that Brandon is supposed to be doing (massaging, etc) while I’m in that position. So basically I’m on my hands and knees and Brandon is on his knees behind me. (There are 15 other couples in the class, and it’s the most awkward position to be in with a room full of strangers.) I start doing my breathing exercises and Brandon is supposed to squeeze my hips together. So at some point I turn my head to say, “you’re supposed to be squeezing” and he whisper-yells back, “I’m squeezing as hard as I can” in an almost Napoleon Dynamite like voice. I seriously lost it. I burst into laughter and it became even funnier because I knew I shouldn’t be laughing. I got myself together pretty quickly, but then the last ten minutes of class was a “relaxation” time...

We laid down in the dark spooning while this CD played that said things like, “I am safe, I am sound. My body is made to do this, yadda yadda” and I was supposed to just breathe while Brandon spooned me from the back. Well suddenly I remembered him hissing, "I’m squeezing as hard as I can" and I start laughing so hard, and so silently, that my body is jerking and he perks up from behind me to see why I’m shaking and demands to know what’s so funny. Well I can’t get any air or breathe. My mouth is gaping open, tears are squirting and I’m heaving and snorting and trying so hard to be quiet, and through my blurry tears I can see the teacher’s head pop up from the ground to identify what noise she is hearing. It looks like I’m sobbing. So I’m trying to bury my face in the pillow and my non-existent abs are killing me and I just heave for minutes. I was so exhausted afterward.

Now I have a phobia to go back to class next week because I’m scared it will happen again. I haven’t laughed that hard in YEARS. It was borderline painful laughter. During our breastfeeding class last night, the teacher started talking about nipples in the first two minutes, and how we should make sure they get some fresh air every day and I started sweating thinking I was going to lose it again.

So basically the moral of the story is that I’m still a child and I have no business having a baby.