I've been having terrible nightmares lately. It seems like once a week or so I wake to Brandon gently shaking me and calling me back to reality and the safety of our bed. I think I could count on two hands the number of bad dreams that I've had prior to this month. One that sticks in my mind was from about 10 years ago. Everyone in my neighborhood had turned into enormous, human-sized spiders. I was running down the street towards my house while they all started coming out of their houses. I got to my front porch as the door started opening. It was my dad... as an enormous black spider wearing glasses and staring at me. Weird, I know. But I had this sudden feeling of being all alone, everyone had changed.
Even weirder than the frequency of these bad dreams lately, is that in each one, I'm drowning. I'm assuming the gasps for air and the imaginary struggle to breathe is what wakes Brandon. In one, a snapping turtle was pulling me towards the bottom of a murky lake and I couldn't get free. In another, one of our close friends was holding my head under water.
I decided to do a little research online and see what this actually means. According to this site, dreams of drowning can represent a fear of sinking financially or drowning in difficulties. This site mentioned drowning might represent a threat or fear of being swallowed up, or taken over, basically overwhelmed. I suppose it has been challenging to keep up with everything recently but this isn't anything new. Balancing school and work, marriage and a social life has always been a tricky tight rope to walk. I was telling Brandon about my online discovery and he thinks I stress about things that I don't need to. For instance, almost daily I recalculate our budget. How much is going towards student loans, how much is going into savings. And then I obssess about whether or not we should consider buying a home once we reach our savings goal. Where would kids fit into this picture? Is it possible to save for our retirement and save for childrens' college funds? What about a new car? I've been driving the same one for 8 years. Is it selfish to want a new car? It's probably smarter to save money right now. We should probably see a financial advisor.
These thoughts are almost constant. It's kind of laughable once I get it all written out. I've always had a really difficult time taking it one day at a time. And I feel like that's very unfortunate, because time passes too quickly when you're always worried and anticipating the next step, the next chapter. My goal for myself is to relax. Trust that we're doing all we can for our future, and start enjoying the present :-)
Am I the only basket case out there?