Today was one of those days where I got to work, turned on my computer, found about 87 emails, all of them "urgent" and thought to myself, "Am I too young to retire?" I feel this nagging urge that I am ready for a change, ready for the next step, but also realize that I do not want to live my life always wishing and hoping for "the next step". I think part of this stems from how close I am to finishing school, and if I'm honest, I also suffer from minor baby fever. It wasn't so very long ago that I suddenly knew that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom when the time came (if we're financially able to). It was an adjustment in my thought process and something I didn't admit or dare to say out loud for awhile. My whole life I've strived towards career goals. And college (and grad school) were always going to be a part of the deal; my parents never gave us another option.
So when it started to creep into my mind that once we decide we're ready to have babies, I want to stay home with them, it freaked me out. And because I'm neurotic and like to plan every aspect of my life (I don't really like change, I like plans) I go into a frenzy of anxiety. My thought process goes something like this,
"Poor Lucy (our dog) is home alone all day while we're at work.
I better take her on a walk and give her extra treats to make up for guilty I feel.
How will I EVER leave a baby at daycare?
I wouldn't be able to.
I would need to stay home with them.
At least until they're ready to go on to 1st grade.
And if we have two children, that could potentially be about 8-10 years before I'm back in the work force.
I'll be going on 40.
I'll have no experience in the library world, only a dusty paper degree.
Would I then start in an entry level role with some 25 year old whipper snapper as my boss?"
Being a woman is hard work. It's a tricky concept trying to "have it all" and balance all of the important parts of your identity. I'd love to hear from some of you women that "do it all" or chose one way or another for a reason.