Monday, April 23, 2012

The Tale of the Mysterious Poop

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Last week Brandon and I went on a mid-week date night to the movies. 
We saw Cabin in the Woods, which is an entirely different story in and of itself. 
We left the movie without speech. Bizarre, is really all I can say about that. 

So we get home and Brandon goes into the bathroom to pee and yells, 
"Looks like someone pooped and forgot to flush."
Umm, excuse me? 
I absolutely did NOT leave any poop in the toilet.
So I reply that clearly it must have been him. 
We get in a debate back and forth, each of us swearing in certainty that it was not us.
Suddenly, I stop and look around our dark house,
and the creeps settle over me in a big way.  
Someone else has pooped in our house while we were out. 
My heart starts to pound as I envision the pooping culprit hiding in the closet.
Has he left poops on our pillows? 
In the guest room?!
 I beg Brandon to flush the enormous poop and be rid of it. 
He flushes. 
It won't go down.
He flushes again.
Still there. 
When I saw it float back out the second time I ran shrieking from the bathroom. 
{We can blame the horror movie we had just watched for my hysteria.}

Brandon goes to look outside and I panic,
I plead and beg,
certain that if he leaves the room the pooper will come creeping out of hiding.  
I follow him outside. 
I don't know what we're looking for.

We live in a duplex, and the unit next to us is vacant while the owner finishes repairs. 
We determine that it must be a worker.
Since the house next door is empty, they must not have toilet paper.
So either our landlord gave them a key to our unit, or they broke in.
Either way they pooped, 
thought they had flushed and hidden all evidence,
not realizing it had floated back out to betray their presence.

Brandon gets all upset and decides that he's going to call our landlord 
and confirm that he isn't letting anyone into our home. 
But then we realize how absurd it will sound if he asks us 
we think someone was in our house. 
"Well you see Scott, there was a massive poop in the toilet."

So what do we do?
We set booby traps.
Yes, booby traps. 
Brandon places toothpicks in the front door and the back door
and my job is to make sure they are still sticking out of the doors when I get home from work.
They were.  

But I'm still terrified that he's out there somewhere



amanda&graham said...

Oh this cracked me up! I would totally freak out as well. I can't wait to here if these booby traps go off at all!

Jenna said...

What!? This is so utterly bizarre and disturbing all at the same time - I would also be freaked out!


Joy said...

Oh my goodness. Thank you for this story. Although I am sorry it happened, I just laughed so hard. Much needed on this rainy Monday. I really do hope you catch the phantom pooper.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, Amira!!! Hilarious!!! I don't think I've laughed that hard at a blog post in a LONG time!

lo @ crazy ever after said...

It was me.

Courtney said...

That is absolutely hilarious! Yet also quite disturbing haha.

Ben & Cassie said...

hahaha ewww this is so funny, especially the part about you guys trying to catch them haha. Oh man scary movies put you in the craziest mindset ha

Emily Hope said...

YES! I am so glad you just left me in suspense. However - it's kind of crazy that you have a poop-burglar.

Cara said...

Hahahah first of all, awesome for talking about poop at all on your blog and secondly, that sounds like a horrible experience. I would have been terrified too. There has to be a logical explanation...

Jenna@The Life of the Wife said...

EEEEEK!! I hope the toothpick trick works! I WOULD FREAK OUT. I am such a psycho crazy obsessive person like's NO BUENO! :)


Danielle said...

How weird is that!!! And hilarious!! Bahahaha! Oh, and disgusting all at the same time. So sorry a stranger pooped in your toilet..

(That is definitely the weirdest sentence I've ever typed.)

Mandee said...

oh my gosh, this is the creepiest thing ever! so scary!!!!!!!!!

Ruthie Hart said...

hahhahahahahaa I can't stop smiling and laughing!

A "cheery" disposition said...

hahah loved this! such funny story and yet still kinda scary!

Danielle said...

HAHAHA! Is it sad that a similar story happened to me?! Hahaha! Except the mysterious poop happened while one of my friends was showering at my house when we were babysitting my sister & her friend. All fingers point to my sister's friend but we still have never resolved this. HAHA! Love that I'm not alone in having a mysterious poop story!

Laura said...

Hahahaha this is a great story after the fact ;) I would have been equally as creeped out!

Jessica Sieberg said...

haha this is too funny!!
I sure hope your mysterious pooper NEVER shows up again!!

vickichristine said...

hahaha! it was you, just admit it amira. ;) the case of the ghost pooper. but seriously, that is some scary shit. #punintended

Melissa said...

Hahaha. This made me laugh pretty hard, but then I started thinking about it and I really hope one of you is lying because I would NOT be ok with people breaking into my house to drop a deuce. That's really creepy.

Michelle said...

HAHA! I am so amused and yet so frightened. Something sketchy is afoot!

Katherine Krieg said...

this is RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Kelly Anne said...

Omg. Best story teller ever. I am cracking up in the nap room! Love you, can't wait to see what other detective skills you have up your sleeve this Summer! Muhahah

Elle said...

oh my gosh. laughed out loud at this. i would be totally freaked out too. hope the perp refrains from leaving a giant surprise again!

Charisma Moran said...

Gross and terrifying on so many levels! lol! I love that you set up traps. Sounds like something crazy that my husband and I would do, too!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot said...

Omg hahah the booby traps are the best part.

Ashley Slater said...

best story ever!!!!!! hahhahaa guys should put some tape over the doors so if they are opened you can tell! hahahahah so funny!

Amanda C. said...

Oh crap...literally. That is one of the weirdest things ever. I cannot imagine why anyone will do that.

Fran said...

This has got to be the funniest thing I've read in weeks! Yet, incredibly creepy. I would freak if this happened to us haha

Anonymous said...

lol hiiilarious

Blane181 said...

This is the scariest yet funniest thing I've read all day!

Marcie Jean said...

Okay, this made me laugh so hard I had to provide a link on my blog! Here. Oh, and I should mention it even made my husband laugh, which truly means that you are hilarious!

DJ said...

Annnd you win funniest thing I've read today. It reminds me of a story in one of my favorite books "I Was Told There'd Be Cake" about how she finds poop on the floor of her bathroom after a dinner party and spends the next few weeks trying to figure out who did it!

Britt @ The Magnolia Pair said...

So my husband and I are both hysterically laughing at this because we both looked at each other said.. Uhmm we would do that! Too funny, and now I dont know if I want to see that movie lol. I'd probably never sleep again !

Michelle {lovely little things} said...

hahaha, you crack me up! I would totally do the same thing, intruder alert!

Cassie said...

My husband and I were dying when we read this! You guys are hilarious.

Jayme and Mendi said...

That would literally scare the poop out of me. Yikes. You guys should totally put clear plastic wrap on the toilet seat while you're away so that the mystery pooper knows you're on to him.

And I have to ask, you eventually got the poop to go down, right?!?

Yikes & yuck.

Mendi @ Her Late Night Cravings

Angie said...

Oh my goodness, Amira! I needed this belly laugh! Thank you! :)

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